It’s Written in Hindu, in the Stars

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A few months ago, I had my Vedic Astrology chart done. It was infinitely entertaining and confusing. In spite of that, I learned a few things about myself that may explain some of my behaviors. But isn’t that how these always go? We fit our story into the fortune to create a reason from which we gain insight.

In addition, I have been writing my book on India (for four years now, but just recently with for real earnestness) and a few of my traits are being revealed to me here as well.

Stay with me, this all relates to the purging food organizational structure trying to find peace phase I’ve been going through the past 50 years or so.

In the astrology chart it shows that my ruling deity is Yama. He is the god of death. This excited me. What I have learned in this journey is death of anything makes room for new beginnings, new life. The death of an idea, a habit, yes, even a person, creates space. I do not wish to end the lives of others, I do however like to complete things. Moment to moment our inhale dies to the exhale, day dies to night and is reborn 12 hours later. The birth of a child is the death of the pregnancy. One year dies to the next and so on.

This chart also proclaims my dharma (the thing I was born to do) as “carrying things away.” This too, made sense. My favorite creature on the whole planet is the vulture – nature’s humble janitor. THEY CARRY THINGS AWAY. Stuff we don’t want, dead stuff, so we don’t have to deal with it. It’s noble.

The writing has revealed my tendency to live my life in fragmented sentences. Grammatically this would look like … To be continued, more to come, stay tuned. Which is completely counter to carrying things away or ending them.

Balance? Harmony? Insanity?

I rush. I cram too much stuff in. I’m learning to let go of a few things on my schedule.  I’m better at prioritizing. But there’s still a lot I don’t complete.

I noticed this as I was writing about an experience in the desert of India when I was on safari with a group. We were at a park looking for interesting animals and such. When I felt we had seen everything there was to see, I was ready to go. The yoga guru I was traveling with, chose that exact moment to lay down on the hard cracked earth, knees bent, hands folded on his belly. What? Why? C’mon! I walked back to the jeep like a spoiled child denied a treat.

The pouting lasted about 10 minutes. I walked back out to where he was and stood there willing him to hop up, clap his hands and say, “let’s go.” Instead he waxed poetic about all that he could see. For about 20 more minutes. I surrendered – mostly because I didn’t have a choice. When we finally did make it back to our jeeps to leave, the sky turned a brilliant orange. The setting ball of fire filtered through unseen pollution created a magical show for us. That we would have missed had my Vulcan mind meld worked.

I’m great at beginnings. I am an ideator, an instigator, a starter. Initiation is my wheelhouse. Implementation so-so. Completion? Let’s just call that an area of opportunity.

This purging, ordering, organizing, cataloging seems like a reaction to this fragmentation and a fulfillment of my dharma all at once. I am carrying away the stuff I no longer need. Or want. The physical and the energetic – if you believe in that hokum – are being distributed among friends, thrift stores and ebay.

It’s another project started that I intend to see through.

It seems the less stuff I have the more space there will be to complete those sentences. To sit still and notice. To be where I am when I am.

To stay for the sunset.

 

 

Accomplished. Check.

Moon through branches IMG_2534As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I have identified that feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day, as something I need or want. Today I got it.

I had my list and was able to check most things off.

I also found a great quote that helped reframe “accomplishment” for me. “There is no greater joy than a job well done. This trait is therefore not a seeking of approval, but rather an enjoyment of  sharing because of the spontaneous explosion of joy that comes from the deepest part of one’s being.” From Medicine Cards.

The darker side of this list checking off-ness is the other list. That one that I had promised myself? Write, photograph, do yoga, etc.? It has slipped off the pedestal to land among the ‘try to fit it ins.’ No bueno.

Even the writing. Even photography. The passions take a back seat.

As I was completing a complicated order today I noticed the sun was beginning to make its descent. My camera was at home and I likely wouldn’t be able to take pictures today, oh well. OH? WELL? No.

This is what happens to goals – at least for me. Once I’ve reached the end I check it off to move onto the next thing. The goal that has been accomplished is now free to be recycled for yet another do over. Try as I might to make that 21 day challenge about life long  healthy habits and NOT goals, it became just 5 more somethings I had to do daily.

What to do…

Do I re-up the challenge or really focus on continuing to add those things back in? Do I let go of some of the things I thought were beneficial? Do I create more order? Maybe they just get added to my to-do list.

I am going to give myself the rest of this week to mull that over. Because of my need for structure, perhaps setting very specific times of each day that I do those things I’ve identified as helpful, will work. Or is that just me trying to plan or procrastinate.

I am boring myself right now. Anyone else?

Maybe it’s more about balance than structure. A little forgiveness and amends. Spend the day with birds of prey, spend the next day working a little longer. BUT, also do those things I’ve promised myself for my own growth and enchantment.

And always listen to the Universe.

The bottom line is, what makes me magical? What keeps my creative spark aflame? The answers to those questions will point me in the right direction.

Mulling it over.

[Photo: fit it in.]

21 Day Challenge – Day 18 – Structure Avoidance, Level: Expert

Dove IMG_2046I took a little online test today, that was floating around Facebook to determine if I was more right brained or left. I consider myself a creative person so naturally I assumed right. Right?

Balanced. According to the test I use both sides equally. 44% left, 56% right. I suppose in general this would be seen as good news. Isn’t everyone striving for balance in their lives?

But I don’t think it’s balance with which I am afflicted. Rather some sort of see-saw, push me, pull you condition. Each side jockeying for position. The Left side – we’ll call him Spock – tries so hard to impose structure; write 2 hours every day between 9-11, get up at 5, do yoga at 5:30, etc. The Right side – A cross between Dory from Finding Nemo and Andy Warhol (my apologies to both) says, but what if I’m not inspired? What if there are dragonflies to photograph? Tuesdays and Wednesdays that won’t work for me because I have other commitments for part of that time, so….

Instead of providing support for one another they try to outwit each other. Since the Right side, the creative side, is little stronger I am often known to wander mentally. A lot.

Since I’ve started this post 20 minutes ago, I’ve jumped out to:

1. Get more iced tea

2. Read a few emails

3. Locate photo files on my laptop to respond to an email

4. Check registration online for a program I am promoting

5. Redo the “brain test”

6. Respond to a message on Facebook

7. Create a message on Facebook

8. Open a file in a design program to check a link, and

9. Gazed outside at the curtains billowing in the wind.

Clearly structure is called for. I imagine all the incredible opportunities I could create if only I had the time. And I could have the time if I were better organized, and yes, structured.

There are two doves on the bay tree outside being gently bounced by the wind.

10. Stalked 4 doves for photos.

Anywho…

A friend and I were just discussing how since we’ve left the corporate world of schedules, meetings and structure we are definitely; A. more relaxed and happy, and B. more scattered.

Along with the freedom, there’s a sense of being unmoored, sent adrift to find my way. In so doing I collect many pieces of driftwood to keep me afloat, all with tremendous potential to be something spectacular. When maybe all I really needed was a rope back to shore.

But would I have even grabbed the rope if it was handed to me? Perhaps, but chances are I’d still be scooping up driftwood on my way back.

Without structure or even a loose schedule and some semblance of a to-do list, it is nearly impossible for me to feel that sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. And as much as I wish that wasn’t important to me, I have identified that at some level it is.

As a Monday-Friday corporobot I knew I had evenings and weekends to do whatever I wanted. Whether I made good use of that time or not, didn’t really matter. I showed up for work when they asked me to, performed my assigned tasks to an appropriate level and received a check in return. Simple. Structure.

Now I meander through some days feeling self-satisfied at my awesomeness only to scramble for the next three of four days to catch up. As a self-employed person, every day is a work day. Sunday is usually my most productive.

But here’s the difference: None of it is work. I don’t think I could actually work for money any more. Don’t get me wrong, I will gladly take payment for what I am doing – and, in fact, do – but it is all aligned with my passions. And this allows ideas to run rampant pulling me in many directions. Each idea a potential gem.

The Right Brain imagines all the possibilities with this gem of an idea – taking it all the way to Shark Tank or Ted Talks. Meanwhile the Left Brain, shaking its head, tries to lay out the steps that need to be taken before this Big Idea can even be put on paper. We’re at a standstill. Right Brain gets bored. Left Brain gives up. Next idea. It’s very busy in there.

I know there is a solution to appease both sides of my brain and I feel like I’m getting close to solving it. Maybe it doesn’t have to be solved so much as managed. And so I shall appoint the Left Brain to create a schedule that the Right Brain can work within but still feel magically inventive. Perhaps the Right Brain can even help.

I think I just saw the Left Brain roll its eyes. This may take some more work.

[Photo: You already know.]

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