Making Space for Enchantment

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I have too much stuff. And this is the year I am going to get to know it on a very personal level.

If you saw my home you might not agree with me and I have to admit I love my home, it’s warm and cozy and many – most really – of the objects I own have some sort of special significance or I just fell madly in love with them. But I’m done collecting and storing. I’d like to think.

This year for me is going to be about living mindfully. Consciously. In every way I can without becoming some reformed fanatic and without walking away and giving up when something becomes too daunting or difficult or even boring – there’s magic in those struggles.

I have been obsessed with purging and organizing since almost forever. When I was in middle school I actually wrote down everything I owned on a notepad. Of course I only had one room to catalog. As an interior designer I used the Chinese art of placement – Feng Shui – in every application I could, and still do in my own home. I’ve read the Japanese Art of Tidying and purged over 350 books, bags of clothes and shoes, chatchkes that had lost their charm and broken plates, furniture, etc. I read Minimalism in a day while I was at my brothers and organized his house with a plan for him to finish and my suggestions.

It’s in my DNA.

So If I am always purging you’d think that, a.) I am a hoarder and therefore have an unlimited amount of things to remove from my home or b.) there’s really nothing left for me to do and I’m obsessive compulsive. There is a third option that I’ve wondered about: do I continue to purchase things so I can continue to purge? Am I perpetuating this because it makes me feel good to clean out?

This will be the test. I do not want to simply organize – although I do love that! – I want to eliminate stuff and exchange it for space and clarity.

My plan:

  • Catalog every item in my home. I will start with just my stuff, but eventually get to my husband’s as well. He’s part of my conundrum. While I could live simply with a few precious items, he hauls stuff in on the regular to fix, keep or sell at one of his various antique spaces. Then there is the pile(s) of “I might need this…” stuff. But we’ll address that, and him, later.
  • Purge what is no longer useful or meaningful. Mindfully putting it in the best hands for what it is. Maybe even selling it to pay off that looming student loan (more on that…).
  • Eat clean 90% of the time. We do this pretty well, but I want to become even more conscious of the companies and people from whom I am purchasing my food.
  • Reduce my carbon footprint any way I can. Reducing the amount of plastic and paper we use, how we wash our clothes and our bodies (making conscious choices with shower products), growing some of my own food.
  • Create a mammoth spreadsheet of my stuff, categorize it, tell it’s story and along the way release what I can
  • Ask myself, with everything I do or bring into my home, “Is this the best choice for me, the planet, my home?” “Do I need it?”
  • Reduce my trash and recycles to next to nothing.

I don’t expect to come out on the other side of this with a chair, a table and laptop only. I won’t be reducing my place settings and silverware down to two sets. But I can make some sound decisions and profound changes that will impact my overall sense of well-being, improve my health and be kinder to the planet.

Wanna play along? Comment often with questions or what you’re doing. Let’s make this a practice we do together. It’s not about making sacrifices so much as honoring your own time and energy and creating the space for an Enchanted Life.

 

 

Speaking of the Dead

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soaring vultures

I was sitting in the back of the room with the other yoga nidra facilitators listening with half an ear to the teacher in the front. I can’t even tell you who it was. I don’t remember. In my distracted state, I cut my eyes toward the giant picture windows to my right – I do this often – and between the lush, old stately trees I could see the lake sparkling. A small hole between branches provided the perfect view of a cerulean blue sky and in that tiny hole a vulture soared.

Another one.

They are everywhere in Florida. They are everywhere, period. But they are in my awareness more than almost any other creature.

During this 10 day training I have entertained hoards. At one point, I was peacefully rocking myself back and forth on a swing, enjoying the breeze coming off the lake, lost in the lapping of the water against the shore; I leaned forward for some reason and when I looked up dozens of vultures were making their way across the sky above me. They were low enough for me to see the holes in their beaks and hear their wings flap as they gained purchase against the wind.

They kept coming. I was awestruck. I have never seen so many aloft at once.

I stood, as much as a salute to their humility and grace as to close the gap between us by another foot or two. I longed – long – for one to swoop down and sit beside me. They are clearly my animal totem and I simply adore them.

No matter when I looked up, during this ten-day training, they were there.

As I sat in the back of the room watching my friend soar effortlessly, I thought, “What are they trying to tell me?”

“Clean up your dead.” It was as if that single vulture had stopped, looked me in the eye with hands on hips and said, “Clean up your dead.”

The meaning simultaneously accompanied the words, yet I tried to analyze it, figure it out. It was an opportunity, in that moment, to simply say, “ok” and let it all go. But I needed to know more. I needed to figure out what my dead was. Which relationships, beliefs, habits was I supposed to let go of? How should I clean them out, how will I know if I have?

This gift that was handed to me became a light that revealed a pattern that doesn’t always serve me. Planting a thought in my brain then attaching a million other thoughts to it. Trying to figure things out.

Sometimes I just have to say ok. And so I did. Sort of.

I am using this command, ‘clean up your dead’ each time I find myself hooking into a thought pattern that isn’t serving me. I won’t catch them all and it will be a process of recognition and repetition until finally it’s not. But I’m committed.

And if I hold on a little too long to the dead weight, I have plenty of airborne friends around to remind me.

21 Day Challenge – Day 21 – To Begin Again

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Coffee

After twenty-one days on this body odyssey I can honestly say I have learned a thing or two about me.  There have been some successes and a few unfulfilled promises to myself. But overall the information gathered has been well worth it. As usual.

While I wanted and expected these three weeks to be about better body practices, I was surprised that I didn’t take so quickly to changing my food. I did juice and blend. I did eat a ton of salads. But I also still had my coffee with its sugar and half and half. I cut back on wine, mostly because I wanted to and I went back to gluten-free. Cheese still lurks in the dark corners of my refrigerator.

I guess I was trying to make changes that I knew I could live with. I can certainly live without coffee, but I enjoy it. The ritual of it, the aroma, and of course the nice little lift. I make no apologies.

As I mentioned in a previous post from this challenge, if I were to do it all over, I might separate the working out/movement from the food. In fact, I may do another challenge shortly exclusively about food.

What I did accomplish this time that has me happily surprised is how much I have fallen in love with working out. I still drag myself to the gym, but once I’m there I get so into it. Expecially, as you know by now, Rowan, my beloved Concept 2 Rowing Machine. There are times when I have to make myself leave the gym. That’s just so odd to me.

Overall I believe I have accomplished what I set out to do and that is to make a stronger connection with my physical form. The combination of yoga and the gym is the perfect balance for me. Yoga keeps me curious about the nuances of my body while allowing my mind to completely let go. Working out helps me feel strong and completely energizes me. Yin and Yang. Equal parts of the whole.

I hope to continue both. I am off on a road trip for 7-ish days. My husband and I are meandering up to Pennsylvania and back. I know myself well enough not to plan on getting to the gym or even a yoga class, but we’re going through some mountains and hiking in cool weather sounds divine. I did pack our yoga mats and some work out clothes. Just. In. Case.

I will keep my body  moving and continue with the few practices I picked up where food is concerned. But mostly I will be present and that’s the very best medicine for health.

And the quickest route to enchantment.

21 Day Challenge – Day 20 – Back Off, He’s Mine

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Rowers at Sunset

I think I may be suffering from attachment.

While at the gym this glorious morning I commenced my typical routine: 5 minute warm up on the treadmill, weights, rowing, sometimes a little more cardio after the rowing, but always those first three.

Today started out like any other day. Treadmillls were pretty full, but there were a few slots open. Someone was on one of the weight machines on my list so I moved on to another one. Then back to the first and finished my weights. Coffee and water sent me to the restroom.  Then I was all set to row.

But, what’s this? There are two women on the rowing machines. I know I haven’t talked about him much because it was his brother I grew fond of first, but Rowan has an identical twin, Rowland. But I can tell the difference.

Both Rowan and Rowland were being courted before my very eyes. The women who occupied each seat were chatting with a woman standing between them. It was not anything important, I could tell. She should leave at once and allow her friends to work out and move on.

I walked slowly past the occupants, staring them down with what I hoped was a non-threatening but confident look that said, “If you’re not going to take this seriously, I’d like you to get up, so I can. And have a nice day.” I didn’t exist to them.

The interrupter left and they both began to row. Next to my two favorite men is a line of about 259 treadmills. The first two closest to them were taken so I chose the third. I was watching, ready to strike. Normally when I do those first 5 minutes I walk at a decent clip, 3.6-4, now I was sauntering, maybe stalking at 2.5. Measured, alert.

Five minutes in they stop.  I stop and hop off. They’re chatting to each other, one has her phone out. I approach. The one on Rowan starts again, while Rowland’s suitor continues to browse YouTube. Short of sitting next to them on the carpet and staring them down, I’m at a loss.

Behind them are the Precor elliptical machines. I take the closest one. Again I walk slowly. But, oh, this machine is interesting, a slight variation of the other ellipticals. It moves my feet a little differently more like stair climbing meets elliptical. I kind of like it. Temporarily distracted like a baby with keys I realize I’m not here to enjoy this. I must stay focused.

She’s not moving, her feet are dismounted, she’s just surfing the web. I make my move.

“Are you done?” I say in the sweetest way.

“Oh, yes, I’m so sorry.” That’s right. She moves away and meets up with another friend while Rowan is still occupied by the more serious of the two.

But I am home now.  Sculling down the river feeling the wind on my face, my eyes tearing in the cool morning air, watching the soft pink morning grow brighter with each moment. All is well in my world.

And I might have a little attachment issue.

21 Day Challenge – Day 19 – Drama Queen

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Close-up of young female friends gossiping in the living room at

I am surrounded by drama, but I don’t usually engage, thereby making it non-existent. She said.

I have a theory about drama. In our culture it seems to be a necessary component to balance, but it is a huge pendulum swing. Small moments of contentment are interrupted by volcanic erruptions of yelling and crying or gossiping and well, drama.

When things become too smooth, we feel the need to stir the pot. Anyone’s pot will do. If we can’t find an appropriate pot to stir, we call the one person who will stir ours creating an amalgam of physical and mental reactions, somehow convincing us, this is what it feels like to be alive.

My brother lives in California – the birthplace of drama – and he gets involved in someone’s drama all the time without even realizing it. It seems if you live in a place with a perfect climate you have to create your own weather patterns.

Here in Florida we have plenty of dramatic weather. Awesome billowy, threatening clouds, torrential five minute downpours, hurricanes, fog and once every 10 years or so a freeze. Nature provides our drama. We have venomous snakes, near deadly spiders, sharks, bears and alligators. If you want drama, go for a walk.

But we can put on a good show here too.

Since studying yoga my need for drama has decreased immensely. Every now and then someone will push a button and I’ll react, but I’ve been shown that it is my button and that person is pretty blameless, so I chill and take a look at what it is that I bring to the table that caused me to react. Truthfully , this self-reflection doesn’t always happen and certainly not in that instant, but it shows up more often than not making me pretty laid-back.

This study has also allowed me to clearly see where people are coming from. Lost, unheard, scared, etc. which makes interacting with them easier.

But like any bad habit, we usually need to commute those tendencies elsewhere. It needs to be replaced, preferably with a good habit. My drama habit just changed clothes.

Most of my life the drama that has been playing out in my head has to do with my body. Berating it for not looking like Cindy Crawfords. Shaming it for gaining weight when I shove an extra cupcake in my mouth. Whining about it when it doesn’t want to get up off the couch. This is all happening internally.

It’s my personal soap opera. And I watch it with half-interest while slunk down on the coach eating potato chips.

If everything is energy, then these thoughts and beliefs are energy too. I’ve taken the external drama and shone a light on the internal drama, so now I can replace it. Hopefully for something good.

Working out helps. Dancing helps. It’s very dramatic to try to lift weights that are just a skosh too heavy and grunt and groan then drop them so they make that loud clank. It’s dramatic to do so many squats that you don’t know if you’ll be able to drive a stick shift. It’s dramatic to pull a muscle, then tell everyone you did it at the gym – it was that 37th squat, you’ll tell them. Eveyone’s impressed.  Gestalt complete.

Until I can think of a way to abandon the need for some sort of drama in my life, this feels like the healthiest  option.  Or I could just make a couple phone calls to the family.

21 Day Challenge – Day 18 – W(h)iney

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Opening a wine bottle with a corkscrew in a restaurant

I like a glass of wine every now and then. Maybe two.

This is no crime.

Last night was such a night. Although I have to admit I didn’t really feel like having wine. My mind had to work really hard to convince my body to get up and open a bottle, which it did. Interesting. I had less than two full glasses, felt fine and was in bed asleep by 11 pm.

No harm.

I awoke around the usual time, somewhere between 6-7, got up, tripped over dogs on my way to the kitchen and commenced the usual routine. Made coffee, did some blog surfing, liked a few posts on Facebook, then though about breakfast before the gym.

I left around 9:30. Rowan was calling. It was raining pretty steadily but I wanted to row, so I left.

After a brief warm up I sauntered around the twisted steel and padded playground looking for the back and bicep machines my trainer had recommended. Each one was being used. I wasted a little time going to the bathroom, fixed my hair, straightened my shirt and checked out the weight machine situation once again. Still occupied.

I glanced over at Rowan. He was alone. I took it as a sign from the universe that I was to spend my time with Rowan today.

The first 500 meters were brutal. Not taxing as in sprinting a mile, but uncomfortable, achy. I was still somewhat sore from the preceding days but it wasn’t that, there was something else stuck.

Then it dawned on me. Could it be the wine? Just those two glasses? Probably. Any food or drink affects the functioning of the body. Good and bad.

I pushed harder, I wanted to rid my system of whatever was lingering.

I went on to row 5000 meters as repentance and also because I can’t seem to stop. A friend came and sat on the machine next to me to chat and still I didn’t stop. It might be a problem. But it feels like a really good problem to have.

The moral of the story? I have a choice now. I have always had a choice. I suppose what I mean to say is now I have a reason to consider my choices more thoughtfully. I have more fortification behind not having a glass of wine. But should I choose to imbibe, I know what to expect.

21 Day Challenge – Day 17 – Poster Child

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BS006

I have a great friend I share a cup of coffee with every other week or so. We chat about yoga, life, travel, everything.

This week we talked about the gym, because for some reason I am obsessed.  I have belonged to gyms since high school, why I’m just falling in love now I don’t know.

Anyhoo. We both agreed that we feel great when we work out, that cardio lifts our spirits and energizes us. So naturally after a period of euphoria we just stop going.  We both had gym stories to share; silliness on some of the machines, punching ourselves in the face by using the weights incorrectly, not being able to walk properly after a prolonged period on the elliptical. It was great fun.

This friend has had gastric bypass surgery, is working the plan and doing great, but still has a considerable amount of weight to lose. I could drop a few sizes and some poundage. So, when over our first pumpkin spiced lattes of the season one of us commented on being the perfect poster children for the gym, we could hardly contain ourselves. We laughed and laughed, until finally we sighed our last laugh out, looking off into the middle distance, smiles fading back to reality.

Are we destined to relive this conversation? Are we stuck in a loop?

This idea of habits has me intrigued. In yoga we call them samskaras, grooves that are created by doing something over and over again. Some good, some not so helpful. The deeper the groove, the more difficult it is to crawl out and make change.

Quantum physics backs this up. Thoughts that are wired together fire together. With the repetition of a thought or behavior we create neuro-pathways that encourage that same behavior over and over.

Over many years, way more than I care to admit – just makes me tired thinking about it – I have been stuck in this loop. Even with all the education I’ve had on the very topics of nutrition and health.

I am committed to my good health, but somewhere a tiny voice is saying, “Yeah, but eventually you’re gonna be right back here again in the not too distant future.” How do I shut it up? Or better yet, how do I prove it wrong?

The gym seems like a good place to start.

And maybe not too many more pumpkin spiced lattes.

21 Day Challenge – Day 16 – Keeping Secrets

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woman telling secrets, pop art retro style illustration

There’s a secret that even if you shared it no one would believe you. And even if they believed you, it wouldn’t be enough to make them do it.

The secret? Exercise improves mental health. A lot.

At least for me. But I’m pretty sure this is a seriously documented truth.

I suppose the type and level of activity have a lot to do with the overall impact. I know for myself I have a nice soft energy and calmness after doing yoga. A similar feeling after a nice walk outside. But when I vigorously work out, like with my new love, Rowan (the rowing machine) I feel truly alive. Clear. Present.

Yesterday I took a wrong turn and tripped down the internet rabbit hole first thing in the morning. It cost me an opportunity to work out. But I justified it, so it was okay. I went to work, taught a class then came home to await the dishwasher repairman.

I found myself in an energetic wasteland. Instead of catching up on work and getting out in front of things – which is a huge complaint and constant wish – I decided to read instead. I munched on whatever I could find, not hungry for food, but hungry for something. So I ate everything.

After the dishwasher guy came and went, I took a nap.

By dinner time I was exhausted and apathetic.

Today, by stark contrast, I jumped on my computer first thing but just to check two things, then I was off. I took the dogs to get groomed then went to the gym.

The 5 minute warm up on the treadmill felt good. With weights I worked legs and shoulders today. I struggled through some of it, but kept going. I missed just one machine because there was someone on it and someone waiting. I made my way to my new friend, Rowan. I thought I might try to push myself a little farther today. The first two days of rowing I did 2,000 meters at a fairly decent clip. Today I did 3,000 at the same pace.

When I stood up I didn’t think my legs would support me. They were weak. I was spent. I walked a little bit, hopped back on the treadmill with a nice steep incline to try to remind my legs of their role in my life then chatted with my buddy the Thai Chi ex-pro football player. When I left my strength was restored and I felt amazing. I worked all day, produced some good stuff, and at 9 PM still feel vibrant and clear.

Hmmm. Secret’s out.

21 Day Challenge – Day 15 – True Love

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A heart shape candle surrounded by red rose petals covered in wa

It happened by accident. Really. We were introduced to each other by a mutual friend.

We had nothing in common it seemed, but we really loved spending time together. There was just that connection, you know?

I promised myself it would only be that one time.

But when I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about that time. I would smile surreptitiously lest someone become curious about my newfound zest for life. It was hard to resist telling everyone, but I’m married. Happily.

Then the next day, well, it happened again. We just fit. Maybe it’s the way I’m held. I don’t know how else to explain it. I feel strong and powerful when we’re together. Like I can do anything I put my mind to. My imagination reels at the possibilities.

But today I am alone. And a little sad. It’s all I can do to resist going back. I’ll go tomorrow. We’ll be together again. It’s just too much, too hard. My energy is sluggish, I’m starting to doubt myself. Yes, I must go back.

Not even my husband can stop me.

His birth name is Concept 2 Rowing Machine, but I call him Rowan. He is both challenging and fun. We love to play together. We lose all track of time (fortunately there’s an attachment for that). And each time I go back I fall in love a little more.

With Rowan of course, but also with myself.

 

21 Day Challenge – Day 14 – The Cheese Stands Alone

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Goat cheese with fresh thyme

If I were to start this challenge over again I might do it a little differently. I might devote the whole three weeks to just movement, then spend another three weeks on food.

There’s so much to explore in both and to throw down the gauntlet on all of it can be overwhelming.

But I’m in the middle – past the middle – so I shall persevere.

Formulas don’t work the way they used to. Eat this, not that, lose weight. Add in a healthy dose of  exercise and watch the clothes start to fall off. Sleep better, wake up energized.

I have been at this for two weeks now and while I have gained a ton of energy I have not lost one pound. And I am frustrated.

This tells me two things, or maybe three:

  1. I care more about losing weight than maybe I want to admit, and
  2. It’s probably the food, oh and
  3. I’m older. Which changes everything.

Way back in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN) days I had experimented with my food like a mad scientist. I identified a few foods that I needed to eliminate all together: dairy and wheat rising to the top of the list. I’ve done pretty good with the wheat for the past 8 years or so, but occasionally a cupcake sneaks in.

Dairy. It was so easy to give up. I rarely used milk, yogurt and sour cream showed up only occasionally and I wasn’t a huge cheese person. Then a few years ago someone accidentally put feta cheese on my salad. Then, at an Ayurveda training there was goat’s milk yogurt for breakfast. I fell in love with chai tea in India and couldn’t possibly use anything but whole milk in it when I came home. Which was just the gateway to half and half. Then I stumbled upon just three little words that would seal my dairy fate: goat’s milk cheese.

So dairy has inched its way back in and helped put some weight back on.

Before my formal education at IIN I had stumbled across the Blood Type Diet. There are many doubters, but here’s the thing: it’s just food, what would it hurt to just play with it?

I did and it worked. Absolutely, positively worked. It worked for me. It worked for others. When I was health coaching I always recommended it and if it was followed, it helped people lose weight, reduce inflammation, and minimize or eliminate allergies.

So naturally, after great success, I let it go.

Is it laziness? Ego? Somewhere in between I suspect. Habit plays a pretty significant role as well.

As much as I believed I was using the blood type diet and Ayurveda as lifestyle changes, somewhere in the back of my mind I thought of them as diets. Short term solutions. While I was in it, I was completely convinced that I had left all those habits behind, but habits, especially the unhelpful ones, have a way of bullying their way back in.

As I revisit the blood type diet I will do so with a sense of curiosity. I’ll take a new approach, challenge myself somehow. It is in my best interest.

Maybe that’s the problem.