Tag: open heart

Godspeed Scrappy

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scrappy 3Today I went with a friend to the vet to put her dog to sleep. He was 8. Beginning this past Saturday he started to whimper and by Sunday he had lost the use of his back legs. A pinched nerve or inflammation was the suspicion. After four days of vet visits and myriad treatments a specialist declared Scrappy, that was his name, had a nearly severed spinal column and no amount of surgery or drugs could help him.  A degenerative disorder. The extremely difficult decision was made to let him go.

Where’s the enchantment in that?

There was nowhere to be except completely present. Feel the feelings. Sadness for my friend, loss for me – I’d known him since she got him, watched him when she was away, yelled at him for jumping on people and barking at the neighbors. I cried more than she did. She was exhausted, cried out and at peace with her decision. He seemed at peace with it too.

The sparkle was gone from his eyes and he looked tired and confused. We stayed with him as he slipped away, kissing the top of his head whispering sweet nothings that he could take with him on his trip. His buddy left earlier this year and he would be waiting to welcome him.

The enchantment is in the memories of a goofy dog that didn’t know when he rushed in to love you it was like hurling a bowling ball through space. If you weren’t prepared you’d be under him on the floor. It’s remembering how when you said his name he’d close his mouth and stop wagging his tale to look at you as if he could only do one or the other.

When he was let outside he shimmied along the screen enclosure and the fence where there was rock or bark on the ground. He sped across the grass as if it was on fire to get from one patch of rock to the next. Grass wasn’t his thing. He tossed his toys in the air and caught them himself when the humans tired of the game. He insisted on sitting on laps.

The enchantment is in bringing those memories forth to the present moment, re-experiencing them, feeling the kind of open heart that can only come from loving a dog – even if it isn’t yours.

The enchantment is in knowing there are so many other dogs out there that deserve the same shot at a loving, caring home.

The enchantment is in the love you felt, and will continue to feel, for the dog that wanted nothing but to give love. It’s in taking that love that’s left after he’s gone and sharing it with every other living creature.

For 8 years that enchantment was Scrappy.

Godspeed Scrappy, you silly big goofball of love.

21 Day Challenge – Day 20 – Vulnerabilities

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sky IMG_2143For the past three weeks I have had the opportunity to witness bravery on a level I have never known. No one has saved a drowning child, run into a burning building to save kittens or lifted a car to rescue a person pinned beneath it.

But many of these women have jumped off cliffs without knowing if a net would appear. They have laid bare their deepest insecurities to be ridiculed or shunned. They have openly loved strangers with words that bathe the soul and tears of compassion.

I have witnessed great vulnerability. And it made everyone stronger.

It is in our ability to be vulnerable that we are able to share our authentic selves. This is where we meet the souls whose vibration is a match for ours. Not our soul mate, but our soul sisters and brothers. There is a recognition, a remembrance, although we may have never actually met.

We are taught our whole lives to be strong, take care of things, nurture others before the self. There is wisdom in those teachings, but they are not complete.

From the time I was in high school I was the one who took care of things. I made decisions and choices when others couldn’t or wouldn’t. I took control of situations that had stagnated, reversed course or took wrong turns.

I shared my weaknesses in my humor, sometimes sarcastic biting humor at another’s expense. I sharpened my edges on other’s weaknesses. I needed to feel superior, in charge, important. Vulnerability was the kiss of death. I could not be caught crying at a movie, at a funeral and definitely not a work.

Over the years I have worked to let go of that particular shell. It was very helpful, it took me through many storms and moved me to the top of more than one ladder and I thank it. It served its purpose.

But as the years go on and I continue to let go of the false sense of control I had I am able to see the beauty in perceived weakness.  It happened in steps.

First I had to witness a strong person “falling apart.” I had to see that even though they cried out of frustration, they did not break. They lost no power.

Then I began to play around with the concept crying in front of other people. First I started talking about it. Admitting it. “I saw that movie. Cried like a baby.” No adverse reaction. “Did you see that commercial? It made me cry!” Still nothing. Could it all be in my head?

I would go to the movies with friends and there would always be a crier – never me. Then one movie, I don’t even remember which one, it happened. I cried. My friend seated next to me just handed me a tissue like it was the most natural thing in the world. Because it is.

This was quite a number of years ago and much has changed. It is when I am at my most vulnerable that I feel freest. There is nothing that can be taken from me because I have let it all go, I have given it all away.

My authentic self can never be hurt or compromised or lost. Only covered by fear and pretension. When I am hurt or scared or feeling neglected, it is not me that is being rejected, it is one of the personalities I wear, one of the masks. As I set it aside I notice all those feelings go with it. I am left with peace and an open heart.

Vulnerability is the lens through which we begin to see our own true nature. My true nature is unconditional love, peace and divinity. So is yours.

That field that Rumi spoke of, “out beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing?” That is where our true natures recognize each other. See you there.

[Photo: Gentle moonrise as the sun begins its decent.]